I'm lost and stupid without you.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
