I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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