There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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