I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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