Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
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