she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
