mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
