Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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