I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
