I like my sex mixed with concussions.
this beer tastes like vomit already
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Randomize
