i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
