Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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