i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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