Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
