So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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