After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Randomize
