eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
