I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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