Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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