If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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