remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
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