dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
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