I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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