It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
