between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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