i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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