Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
