i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
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