I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize
