Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
