I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
