The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
too bad you live with your parents still
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
