Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
