do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
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