I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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