I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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