Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I deserve this hangover.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
