I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
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