He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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