drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Randomize
