Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
