when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
