her vagina looked like bernie madoff
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
