I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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