If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Randomize
