I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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