I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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