Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
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