i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
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