Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
