Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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