dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
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She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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