Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Randomize
