Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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