We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
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