please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Randomize
