Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
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I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
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Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
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