Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
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