i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I currently don't understand fingers.
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