He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
