my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
